(And you're not trying to get preggers, of course)
1. Hmm. I'm sure I should have come on by now?
2. It's definitely been at least four Sunday pyjama days since my last bleed.
3. Uh oh. I'm pregnant.
4. No, calm down. I can't even remember when my last period was. Let's check the calend…
6. Why am I not schooled in tracking my period by now? It's actually pretty important that I know.
7. I miss it.
8. I miss the way it reassured me that I wasn't with-child.
9. I miss the way it let me cry about nothing.
10. I even miss the period pains.
11. Actually, don't be ridiculous.
12. Think woman, think.
13. Did I put a sly 'p' in my iPhone calendar to remind me when I'm due?
14. No. Ok, that's it. I'm definitely pregnant.
15. How much are tests these days? Maybe I'll just do a quick one to make sure…
16. TEN WHOLE POUNDS. Forget it. That's more than a bottle of supermarket prosecco.
17. Maybe I'm stressed and that's why it hasn't come.
18. Sh*t. Maybe I'm so stressed at the thought of it not coming, that it wants to come but it can't.
19. Damn you body and mind synchronisation.
20. I'm here for you uterus lining, come to mamma.
21. OMG MAMMA.
22. Note to self: Must not make jokes, references or other about being pregnant. It might make it real.
23. If my period comes now I promise I will literally never have sex again.
24. Right, sod it. I'm driving to the supermarket and buying a test even if it does mean spending my wine allowance.
25. Did I leave the seat heaters on? It feels very warm in this car...
26. Balls. Like it wasn't bad enough that I am now pregnant, I have probably ruined my car by leaving the seat heaters on...
27. Wait, what is that wet patch? Have I also left the f'ing sunroof open!? In WINTER!
28. Hang on, I don't have a sunroof…
29. *looks at seat*
30. Oh, joy to the world my period is here!
31. Bottle of prosecco it is then…
If you're worried that you've not come on yet, check out our article 10 reasons except pregnancy why your period is late
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